I wish to hold your hand one more time. I wish to brush your hair one more time. Or maybe wash your face. I know you wouldn’t let me wash your face because I remember how you loved to do wudu two hours before fajr prayer. Or how you’d ask me every other hour if it’s time to pray yet.

One can only wish. 

I wish to remind you my name before eating breakfast. I miss how you’d refuse to eat before mother.

I miss how you used to ask about my morning. And just by looking at my face, you’d know if anything is up with me.

I’m sorry that I didn’t spend a lot of time with you. I was too busy thinking that we’d have all the time of the world and you’d get better. I thought we’d make up for all the years.

I’m mad at myself that I don’t have stories about you. The only thing I can clean and maybe wash now is your shoes.

As I look at the scuff marks on your shoes. I wonder how the world treated you. If it was good to you.

May God have mercy on you.


Avoidance Coping..

I hope it’s not happening all over again.

I walked into his room today, but today I couldn’t stand myself. We used to laugh, hug, massage his hands and brush his hair with my fingers. And he’d ask about my day and I’d tell him in detail; from Fajr (dawn) prayer to sunset.

Today I asked him how he’s doing and his response was something like “you know, things changed. I’m not doing so good. God knows best.”

He enjoy telling us stories. And giving us orders. Even though he can’t move around much, he’d tell us to do things. Read a book, or get twenty-one questioned by him for not doing what you’re supposed to.

Today, he let me talk about my life, as if I’m introducing myself to him. He was smiling, but I can see in his eyes that he cannot remember me. So he asked about his daughters and the smart man he is, he asked me to name them one by one so he can find out which one of his daughters I am.

Allah is the best of planner.

I know I’m not who I was a year ago. I used to complain and I couldn’t stand myself for everything that was happening. I realized that this time it is a gift. Allah blessed me with the ability to cope.

I know I will break here and there, but it is not how it used to me. He trust me more than ever. He may not remember me, but he knows my smile, tight hugs, and my long boring stories.

Be grateful for the people in your life.

Be grateful and God will increase it for you.

Can You See Me Now.. ?

Ma can you see me now? 

Not everything you hear from other is the truth. There are two sides to every story.

I have dreamed a life with you that is so beautiful. I would describe it as the light of the moon.

Those days with you, I can’t seem to catch my breathe. It is probably all the laughter, and jokes with you. Nevertheless, those days I wish it not to end, ends sooner than expected.

As soon as you let others come between us. We are like a broken mirror.

For years, I worked on myself, to be better than the hundred sunsets that I have wasted.

There are days I wish for tomorrow not come because It was just you & I. No drama, I’m not a young child no more, no need to hear my voice from others. Please accept me for who I am. For everything you want to know about me, please ask me. I don’t like how you ask about me. And all they tell you is how I used to be growing up. I’m not a that person.

I thought about giving up on myself, if it was my choice, I’d be nothing like who I am now.

I am grateful that Allah gave me the ability

to see myself through the broken mirror.

 Mirrors don’t lie.

Lessons From Surah Al- Isra.

Asalaamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu all.

As it took me long minute to catch my breathe after reading this Surah and specifically the ayah below and reflecting on its meaning. I couldn’t help, but feel guilt in my heart or feeling inspired to be patient with my parents as they getting ill and old now.

There are the ayahs that changed my whole perspective on questioning if I did/didn’t do enough for my parents. To motivate me to be more patient.

To not stress them, because lets be honest they are the only ones who truly feel our pain.

Surah Al-Isra (The Night): Ayah 23 & 24

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا٢٣

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا٢٤

And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.”

SubhanaAllah. What’s more beautiful is how having mercy on our parents and giving them good treatment came after the name of Allah.

However, I’m dealing with these challenges right now. I have listened to my mother recite this ayah before, but I never look into it then. Maybe because I thought I was just doing fine. Nacudubillah.

Everyday is a new day with new test. 

I don’t know why, but I slowly became everything that I said I’ll never be. That is the worst kind of person to be. Expecting everyday to be sunny and not storms. As soon as I noticed that I couldn’t stand myself. I had to make changes. Make changes, by not questioning if I’m doing enough for my parents.

My cure is always in The Word of Allah; The Quran. 

My take away from this Surah and especially the Ayahs is how Allah Azawajal knows about our true  intentions.

To recieve the mercy of Allah is to have mercy on others. Before having mercy on others we must have mercy on our parents first. Espically when they need us, when they’re not able to do the things they used to.

O’ Allah have mercy on our parents, and have mercy on us.

Allahuma Aameen. 💕