Feels..

Self-criticism is one of her best characteristics.

At times she shows her weakness, though she try hard to be bubble and full of life. She is struggling. Those that are close to her know that she changed. They can see it in her eyes that she hit so low that she believes there is no way for her to come up again.

We all have our own way of dealing with struggles. Especially when the storm of hardship hit us, we want those close to us to be our backbone. By at least reminding us that we are not alone in such position.

If need to cry out loud, do it! 

However, there is nothing GREATER than the help of God. By praying to him, even when you feel like you are broken. Never underestimate the power of prayer.

In addition, this is something for each and one of us to think about. Do we praise God when life is looking up for us? We are not aware that we are being tested with life,  when there is no hardship. We are being tested with the less fortunate. How we treat them. And if we help them.

To end with, remember we want to surround ourself with people, but we do not need them for us to find ourself. I’m not saying it is humanly possible to never surround ourselves with others, but can we let our characters be defined by the people we surround ourselves with? No. It need to be balanced or we will break.

This life is about making the best out of it.

Thoughts..

Growing up I cared so much about what people think of me. I was afraid of failure. I think I have failed too many times in life.

I don’t think I would say this four or five years back, but I am so thankful for being betrayed, heart broken and belittled.

God blessed me with people that pick me up when I feel low. Friends who are family and family who are my other half.

I’m truly blessed to say that I have walked into some flames in life. While I felt like I was getting burned for trying to do better, and be better.

As humans we do not know what is good for us. We are just too busy looking at the little things that hurt us. For example, when we eat healthy, we don’t eat such colorful foods with lots of sweets, carbs and salt.

We eat the foods with no taste, some dry, and some with strange smells. Do we care about how the food look? No, we don’t as long as we know that it is good for our body and how it will make us feel. We take it in.

When you put your trust in God and you are grateful for what you have. You will find true happiness. Do not let your success/ failure be the surface of you being happy and mentally healthy. 

Lesson from Surah Yusuf

No one can understand your pain and no one can also take it away, but your Creator.

You can cry to a friend for hours, but wallah the only thing they can say  to you in the end is they are sorry.

When a person is suffering, but they seem to take it just fine, we wonder about what they do.

  • There is a big difference between complaining to your Creator and complaining about your Creator.

For example, when we question and complain about Allah with our problems, that will do no good, but harm our hearts. However, when we complain to Him and prostrate and show him that we are grateful and asking Him to make it easy for  us will heal our hearts.

Growing up, I used to listen to my aunt  recite Surah Yusuf for me and it’s transition. As a child it taught me to always be generous and be nice to people even when you know they are wrong. As an adult it taught me something that will forever be with me.

Few years back, I remember I used to do this “don’t keep everything to yourself. That it is okay to let it all out.” Now I know  that as long as I complain to my Creator that is all I ever needed.

For instance, in Surah Yusuf, when Yacub (Jacob) A.S said, “I only complain to Allah.”

The ayah below is my way of coping now. With everything that’s going on with me, it means that Allah can only take care of me.

(Surah Yusuf) Ayah: 86 [Quran 12:86]
——————
قَالَ إِنَّمَا أَشْكُو بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ وَأَعْلَمُ مِنَ اللَّهِ مَا لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

He said, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah, and I know from Allah that which you do not know.

——————–

When your legs are weak and your heart is broken make sure it takes you to prayer that will cure your heart.

 

 

Regretting..

Speak up if must. Cry, be angry, but do not make a life out of that. Do not be that person who need to make excuses in life to just get by.

Be a survivor, not a victim.

Just the other day I received the most heart breaking story. Things are not getting any easier on my end. My father is not getting any better; Allah knows best. I cried for hours, but I thought to myself “life is not always going to stay the same.” The young will become old. The fast will slow down in the end. It is not that I’m in denial, but I regret for not making enough time for him.

As soon as my father got sick, I was forced to grow up and take responsibilities. With The Mercy of God, I had the ability to not make excuses for myself and get up each and everyday and be there for my parents. Also I was granted with another day to make change in the world that I live in.

People ask me why I smile like a crazy person. If my father and the hundred other people in hospital beds can put a beautiful smile on their face and not complain one bit then I’d be ungrateful human being if I cannot manage to smile.

12/22/2016: 1:00pm

I told my father that he is beautiful just to see how he reacts, he smiled and said “you’re more beautiful than I.”

And sometimes I regret that I woke up too late.

My point is regretting is part of making a change.

Acceptance..

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Bismillah (In the name of Allah).

Although I feel like I’m breaking into pieces right now. Somehow I make it through the day. I’m slowly, becoming something I never thought I’d be. And I’m starting to like the new me.

Never underestimate the power of prayer.

The things that used to make me cry are the very things that encourage me to do better in life. To help others that are going through hardship. I know health will not forever last. Death does not discriminate against age, gender, religion, status and etc..

It is so hard for us to accept life for what it is all about. As humans, we are afraid of the unknown. The people we surround ourselves can make us or break us. People will listen, help only for certain amount of time. We must be grateful to have them around anyway.

To have a healthy life and relationships with those that are close to you, you must cut off toxic people. Do not cut them out of your life, but protect your heart from such people.

Whenever you feel like you don’t have enough in life or even when you feel like you are all alone through the hardship. Think about those that are grateful for what they have in life.

  • The blind man who’s in love with a stranger. The boy with no legs, but can outrun you any day. The girl who’s being bullied all through her school life is still spreading love to the world day in and day out.

I know I always talk about GRATITUDE, but I feel like being patient and being grateful go hand in hand. Nevertheless, our minds react to what is in our hearts. Just like when we eat, our stomach tell the brain that it is full. Being optimistic does not make you a crazy person. You’re just facing life with smiles. And praying for the better.

  • God created you and he is your provider. Be grateful and do as much as you can. He never burden us for what we cannot bare.

Avoidance Coping..

I hope it’s not happening all over again.

I walked into his room today, but today I couldn’t stand myself. We used to laugh, hug, massage his hands and brush his hair with my fingers. And he’d ask about my day and I’d tell him in detail; from Fajr (dawn) prayer to sunset.

Today I asked him how he’s doing and his response was something like “you know, things changed. I’m not doing so good. God knows best.”

He enjoy telling us stories. And giving us orders. Even though he can’t move around much, he’d tell us to do things. Read a book, or get twenty-one questioned by him for not doing what you’re supposed to.

Today, he let me talk about my life, as if I’m introducing myself to him. He was smiling, but I can see in his eyes that he cannot remember me. So he asked about his daughters and the smart man he is, he asked me to name them one by one so he can find out which one of his daughters I am.

Allah is the best of planner.

I know I’m not who I was a year ago. I used to complain and I couldn’t stand myself for everything that was happening. I realized that this time it is a gift. Allah blessed me with the ability to cope.

I know I will break here and there, but it is not how it used to me. He trust me more than ever. He may not remember me, but he knows my smile, tight hugs, and my long boring stories.

Be grateful for the people in your life.

Be grateful and God will increase it for you.

When We Fall..

He grew up in a small town on the countryside.

Where there is no access to education. He wanted to make something out of his life so he could provide for his mother and younger siblings.

At the age of eight, he left behind his mother and took the bus to the city where he started working as a fisherman. People say that he is too mature for his age, but his end goal in life is to be better than the person he was yesterday. Since you can’t do much about the past.

If one takes care of their parents and provide for their family, that is a blessing itself.

In his late thirties , he got married, graduated from university. And God blessed him with a big family. He is more like a alpha male. He is a respected man. He got used taking care of others to the point that he knows nothing of whats good for him.

After three decades, he is a grandfather now. He has nothing to regret of. Which is kinda scary. He never talks about his mistakes.

He is turning sixty-nine soon. For sixty years of his life, people loved him because he helped them, and he could walk on his own.

And now with age, and illness, he can’t think straight. He gets tired and irritated every other hour of the day.

Do people really got us when we fall ill and old? And when we cannot wake up on our own? Will they call us when they don’t hear from us?

Mankind wants you around only when you’re benefiting from.